The lowest of low places. Small and dark. You’re on your own when you’re at this point. Darkness. Difficulty. Destruction. They say what hides in the darkness will soon come to light. But when you’re unaware of when the light at the end of the tunnel will reach it’s hard to hold on for the remainder of the journey. When you’re standing between the 4 walls of a very small room with all the time in the world, the thought of being alone can be a daunting one. But this isn’t always the case. You can open up and let others in, but when they’re in your personal space, your atmosphere, the pictures created on your canvas convey different emotions. Maybe you’re painting a positive picture to portray a different appeal to your present premonition, simply because it looks better on the outside. Or maybe you want the masterpiece to reflect your reality. The flow of time in this little room seems to be different from that of the rest of the universe. They say time flies when you’re having fun and during the harshest times, hours seem like minutes. But here, time has its own rules. It’s as though each second adds to the feeling of discomfort, after all, this is a very ominous place. You ask yourself “why can’t I leave” but you know full well you can’t. You are trapped here and you can’t leave prematurely. You’re aware that other people come and go when they please but you just can’t do the same. But that’s just the way of life. Everybody has their own journey, their own destination, their own purpose. You might cross paths with others – you might feel as though you’re on the same journey as others but that might not be the case. You might just be on the same path but both going to different destinations. Life is weird. You might even be going to the same destination as another person, but you’re taking a different path to them, and you will meet them at the top. But you might not. You might be led astray and fall off. You may be blinded by the light at the top, lose your way and end up on the wrong path. But who’s to say that new path is the wrong path? That’s right. Nobody. Nobody can explain the strange empty feeling in this vivid place. The abnormal energy in this discreet room makes you feel uneasy. At times you feel as though you’re falling. But how can you fall when you’re already at the bottom of a dark pit? At other times you feel as though you’re ascending. As though you’ve been dormant for such a long time and now is your time to shine. Like a Phoenix. You don’t mind being alone because you know when it’s time for you to reveal yourself to those outside this distinctive room all the eyes will be on you. The outside world will see you for who you are and you will be respected. During your period of ascendancy you’re more welcoming of those who enter here. You know that your path will take you to a better place than their path will take them. You have a warm smile on your face. The light at the end of the tunnel glows brighter and brighter as you ascend. You don’t allow yourself to be blinded because you remember just how long you’ve waited to be at the top. You won’t fall off. The flow of time is still fluctuating. It reflects on your heart rate. Something great is happening. Your palms are sweating and you’re breathing heavily. And just like that, you hear a ping. The elevator doors open and you can finally leave this small, cramped, confined room and embark on the rest of your journey and see what life truly does have to offer.
Friday morning. 02:15 AM. I know full well I won’t be getting any sleep so there’s no point in trying. I’ve found my way to Yungens mixtape, Topic of Discussion. The irony because there are so many topics and issues that I need to discuss. But what I say might make me the topic of discussion. The last track and probably my favourite track on the mixtape is called Insomnia. The irony. Enough of music for now anyway, more on that later. By later I mean another post. By later I mean probably tonight depending on which ridiculous hour of the morning I stay up until.
Today (technically today because I don’t class it as “tomorrow” until I’ve slept and woken up) has been a productive one. I got to spend some quality time with myself with my headphones on, walking, just letting the world come to me. Obviously I wasn’t just walking aimlessly. I’m not that sad just yet. I did spend some good time with some good people which is always priceless. It’s mad how moments will turn to memories and conversations one day. Just like all the fun times in high school with all the laughs and high spirits. The sad thing is you don’t realise this transition and you take some things for granted. But I guess that is a fault of all human beings. I won’t be cliche and say you don’t know what you’ve got til…
I had a meeting with an important person, well not really that important in the bigger scheme of things but important in my life at this moment in time. I would say who but there are some things that really should be kept private. And now you’re wondering who this mystery person is but you really shouldn’t give it that much thought. But I’m still talking about it so this person must be more important than I’m making them out to be, but that’s just the power of words. Keep talking about something for long enough and it remains the topic of discussion. Stop talking about something and people will start to question whether it’s even relevant anymore.
That’s the thing about life things are only relevant when they’re in the limelight it seems. But what about the things that are hidden away, are they still important? Like the fact you could be reading this instead of your revision notes ahead of your important exams next months? If that’s not relevant to you then I apologise. Hit and miss I suppose. I digress again. But no, world issues like Ebola. Are people still dying of it or has it been cured because it doesn’t headline on the news and on newspapers? Poverty. Do homeless people only matter when when we campaign and have groups raise awareness. Or do they still matter when there are people sleeping on the cold hard floors in the unforgiving city of Manchester and unfortunately every other city in Europe, no possibly every other city in the world. And black history month, do I even need to ask the question?
So the mixtape has finished and immediately I know which one I’m in the mood for. Wretchercise. The slow pacing and deep lyrics are perfect for this time of night. Wretch 32 (pronounced 3-2 not 32 for reference) has been one of the most influential artists in my life. Some of his lyrics I can relate to. I remember having 6 words on repeat for hours on end because I could feel the inspiration behind the song. That kind of thing makes me wish I was musically talented. Maybe I am. Maybe I am but I just don’t know it yet. Some doors need keys to open them and maybe I haven’t found the key yet.
I don’t know, I’m going off topic and feel I should conclude here and enjoy some more music. I don’t want to say anything that makes me the Topic of Discussion for the wrong reasons, I Don’t Know About You but I’m off.
Okay. Its 22:52 at the time of writing this. Drakes mixtape/album “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late” accompanies my ears. It’s towards the later end of the piece where it is much slower. The calm music helps to get my creative juices flowing and the ideas racing through my mind. Enough of music, I could go on all day about that. I will do just not on this post.
Now marks the last hour of what has been a very typical April Fools Day. I woke up relatively late so I missed the frenzy of fake pregnancy posts and whatnot. If you were paying attention, you would’ve noticed the release date for my so-called mixtape was today. Yeah, released on April 1st. Other than that, today has been quite normal.
The idea of writing to an empty audience with hopes of somebody reading this is a weird feeling, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it. The mouse on this laptop is so unresponsive. It feels as though it isn’t sensitive enough, but when I raise the sensitivity it feels too high. The best thing about writing on my own blog is that I can digress and nobody can have a go at me for it. Anyways, back on track, this is a big thing for me, having somebody see some of the things that go through my mind and sharing things online. But the idea of it seems fun. Plus, it helps me keep on top of my writing whilst I take a break from education. I suppose it can’t look too bad on a personal statement when applying to university to do English Language. Whilst this “blog” isn’t hidden, it isn’t made public for everyone to see because I suppose everybody will hold their own opinions when they see it.
“Look at this sad guy writing on a blog, who really cares”
But past experience taught me that you have to look past what people think and do what makes you happy. Now this is beginning to sound like some kind of motivational, inspirational, deep piece of writing and it really isn’t that. I would say the purpose of this thing you’re reading right now is just to break the ice of a “first post” before I barrage whoever’s interested with my thoughts on, basketball, music, games, life, people (no names ever mentioned on here) and everything in between. I’ll probably offend some people with the things I say but ah well that should be fun. You know how to contact me should that happen and I love speaking, so if I ever do, lets meet up and speak like adults. I really am going off topic and talking about anything and everything so now is probably a good place to conclude this. If you’re still reading this, you’re good.
Goodbye for now.